Cut the Shit

And We're Off...

I'm typing on my home computer which means fucked up margins, I've explained it in the past, not gonna do it now, just go with it.

So here we are eh, folks? 2007! Shit. Just when I think that life is a revolving door of the same shit, so much changes and I'm left excited and scared of the new beginnings.

First things first...my holidays were perfect. I mean, what else can I say? I was in Albany for 5 days or so and each moment was planned with activities. Paul and I took my family out to the most expensive restaurant we could find, I took my family (minus Paul) to an Albany River Rats hockey game (Go Rats?), and my parents took me to see the most snoresville movie in the theaters (Eragon) - however, at my request. I was disappointed in myself AND ALSO Rachel Weisz (Weizs, Weiz, WEisalksdhf) who made the DRAGON sound like a condescending pansy bitch. Breathe fire and shut the fuck up already.

My New Year's was spent with my parents and brother and fiance. I hosted with the mosted and even used my new deep fat fryer to make mozzerella sticks. Yes, you read that correctly. DEEP MOTHER FUCKING "FRY DADDY" FRYER. I'm totally that guy. That, fat and proud of it, guy that also threw donuts in the fryer just to find out that they tasted fucking bizamb. I could best equate the taste to eating an apple cider donut. You know you love it.

Ok, but let's be honest. I cooked all that shit, but I barely ate any of it myself. BECAUSE...

My parents bought me the TOTAL GYM for Christmas and as I type this post, it looks lovingly at me, exactly two feet away. It's so fucking fantastic. I've had multiple workouts at this point, but I've been too lazy to figure out the leg attatchments. So basically I'm totally getting buff on top and even more jelltastic on the bottom. My goal is huge upper body, stick legs. That's hot, right? TOTAL GYM forever.

Tangent over. After throwing a fully fantastic New Year's Party - at which my parents created an 85 question trivia game, which gave me a boner, but also deflated it when I came in last place - I took my family to Prospect Park in BROOKLYN to see the fireworks. Aside from the fact that there weren't that many people in the park, and aside from the fact that we were directly underneath the display (to the point where my mom's fur (yes I know) jacket almost caught fire), and aside from the fact that we were able to drink our beverages AND smoke some pot without harassment, and aside from the fact that we stayed up until 3am playing games and drinking champagne back at my apartment...I gotta tell you - it was one of the best fucking New Year's Eve celebrations I've ever had. You would think that being 29 and hanging out with your family would be a lame way to spend New Year's. But dammit if I can't wait until New Year's Eve THIS year to do it all over again. I loved it to the point where I'm STILL thinking about how awesome it was. I'm a 29 year old virgin LOSER! Yahooooooooooooooooooo!

Since then my life has been full of quite a few ups and downs. On New Year's Eve (unbeknownst to me at the time), one of my oldest and closest friends lost her father to cancer. He's been sick for a very long time and my whole "group" knew it was going to happen at any moment. But that didn't prepare anyone for it actually happening, and in a lot of ways, me.

At my college graduation party, my friend's father pulled me into my bathroom and privately told me to quit smoking. He pointed to his face (which I am sad to say was half missing due to mouth/lung cancer. Plastic surgery, which I don't think he had, would never have made him look the way he used to) and said "Quit smoking. Don't let "this" happen to you." It was an incredibly disturbing, yet incredibly poignant, conversation. And because I loved his daughter so much, it had even that much more of an impact.

I've thought about this wonderful man and his battle with cancer ever since we spoke in that bathroom and it's one of the FEW things that makes me identify with the damage of cigarettes. I have yet to actually speak to my friend since her father's passing and I didn't have enough money to attend the funeral, nor am I sure that she would have wanted me there anyway (She's incredibly guarded, even after 10 years of friendship). I've cried quite a few tears over the fact that my friend has lost her father (the first parent to pass of all my "people") and I've stressed over the fact that this is going to be me if I don't cut it out.

So, I'm working on cutting the shit out of cigarettes. And it's difficult.

I'm actually "working" on a lot of things.

(Good transition, eh?)

I made some solid New Year's resolutions this year. But because I take this shit so seriously, I've come up with items that I think are not only feasible, but absolutely necessary if I plan to become a person that I respect and love.

My first one is to obtain a 6 pack by my 30th birthday. I've got 7 months to do it and I've got the TOTAL GYM. Together I should be able to make it happen or at least get to the point where it's on the verge. I relied on my face in my 20's and in my 30's, I'm totally gonna make this shit a full package. I'm ready. And of course you'll see me in some TOTAL GYM ads with Chuck Norris by January 2008.

My second one, and an incredibly important one, is to let myself off the hook. Basically that means that I've spent the first 29 years of my life feeling guilty about one thing or another. Sometimes justly so, but most times over shit that really doesn't matter. I've spent more time worrying about other people and not nearly enough time worrying about myself. And for a guy that deals with the constant claws of depression, it can be an overwhelming and ultimately defeating process.

I'm no longer on medication and I'm no longer in therapy. I've got the tools to make myself into a strong, confident, and successful person. It's time to put them to work.

There's no doubt that I'm always going to be the sensitive guy that takes each moment to heart. But I am going to absolutely stop obsessing over everyone and everything. I am Joe and I am not going to apologize for being who I am. If I can't or don't want to do something, then I'm going to be upfront and unapologetic for my actions. It's a personality trait that I have such a difficult time accepting.

Those who know me dearly know that I'm insane when it comes to interpersonal relationships. I know it too. But it's time for a change and this is one of my biggest and hardest. Ultimately, it's going to make me stronger and more proud of who I am.

Thirdly, I'm changing my diet. Adios pizza. Adios french fries. Adios everything that makes a boy go round. But tis' true. I have a FRY DADDY and can only fry lettuce in it. I've never been more unsatisfied and hungry in my life. But I guess that's the point, eh? I know you're supposed to feed your body with chicken and fruit and vegetables and I do. But it doesn't make me "nautious full" the way I'm used to. ha. If I'm not having diarrhea 20 minutes after my meal, I totally feel like I've wasted my time.

Fourthly, I'm writing a new play for 2007. Oh yes I am.

Fifthly, that is totally all I have to say. The rest are embarassingly personal (although you know that I'll divulge on some random drunken night).

Let's force ourselves to be POSITIVE in 2007. Call it personal rejuvenation or just about fucking time.

I want to end this year believing that I've accomplished something and even more importantly am proud of who I am and what I've become.

Rock.